Being There For Me

I never defend myself. When people accuse me of things, I let them because I'm afraid that me confronting them will hurt them. I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings. Is it worth it, defending myself at the expense of someone else's heart being broken because of something I say that might bruise them emotionally? I can just suck it up and move on, right?

But I've done this for far too long. If I feel like I deserve something and somebody decides to take it away from me, I will lash out and stand up for myself, and me doing so should not come off as a surprise because wouldn't they do the same if they were in my place?

I'm not royalty. I'm not just granted things. I have to work for them, and I do. So when I exhaust myself whilst trying to achieve a goal and I finally do achieve it, nobody has the right to take from me what I believe I deserve. Call it selfish if you will, it's what loving myself means to me. I'll give up my everything for complete strangers if they ever ask me to, so if sometimes I want to do something for me, I believe I'm allowed to.

I've let people walk all over my heart time and time again. I don't hesitate when it comes to doing things for someone but if they take my love and affection for granted, and at the end of everything, have the audacity to say that I haven't done anything for them, I'll let them believe they're right. I'll even tell them I agree with them because I no longer feel the need to defend myself in the face of people who aren't even willing to listen to what I have to say. If they can't trust me and accept me and acknowledge me for who and what I am and for what I give to them selflessly, I'm not going to force them to. I'll step away, back off, and they won't even realize I've done so.

Like I always say, moving on hasn't ever been impossible for me to accomplish. I've had life throw the weirdest of things at me and so, I know better than to argue with a half-hearted person whose outlook doesn't go beyond what they want to see, instead of choosing to see reality. I'll still always be there for them if they ever feel like they need me, but I'm done letting people decide what I'm worth, and what I do and don't deserve. My worth is to be determined by no one but me.

That, that is what self-love is to me.